如菊如水

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汇丰银行商务写作教程（1）

这是汇丰银行内部培训员工用的写作课程。它把写作分为五步：计划、组织、草稿、修改和编辑。分成8章讲解。讲解的时候举具体的例子做示范，对提高商务写作能力很有帮助。今天我们先来了解一下教程的体系和学习计划。 HSBC Writing Course--"Writing for Results" Chapter 1 Plan your writing
Chapter 2 Organise your writing
Chapter 3 Draft and revise your writing to make it complete
Chapter 4 Revise your writing to make it cohesive
Chapter 5 Revise your writing to make it clear and concise
Chapter 6 Revise your writing to make it courteous
Chapter 7 Structure difficult letters
Chapter 8 Edit your writing
Introduction Welcome to "Writing for Results", a course that can help you enhance your English writing skills. HSBC has designed this course for its staff in the Asia Pacific region. HSBC staff study this course to improve the e-mails, memos, faxes and letters they write at work.
If you've never written business documents before, you'll find this course extremely useful. Even if you're familiar with business writing, this course can still help you. "Writing For Results" will help you write in a modern style. By the end of this course you'll be able to write business documents that are: better organized, more complete, clearer and more concise, more courteous, more correct. The most important feature of the Writing Process is its five stages:
plan--organize--draft--revise--edit Good writers follow the five stages of the Writing Process to
--meet their readers' expectations
--get the results they want. （来源： 英语点津）

如菊如水

汇丰银行商务写作教程（2）



开始写作之前要有个计划，这样在写作的时候才会知道自己要写什么、写作的目的是什么，才能更好的考虑用什么样的写作方式。



Chapter 1  Plan



Objectives:



By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to plan your writing. You'll do this by deciding:

--why you are writing

--how you want your reader to respond

--what you want your reader to know



Why do you plan?



What is the value of planning? Think about this...



Have you ever sat at your desk not knowing how to begin? Very often, you may find writing difficult because you start writing right away. In other words, you overlook the importance of planning before you write.  Unfortunately, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail." So you need to plan your writing ... and then write according to your plan. If you plan well, your writing is more likely to get the results you want.



How can you plan your writing?



Effective writers use 3 strategies.



WHY are you writing?

WHAT do you want the reader to do?

WHAT does the reader need to know?



These 3 questions provide a good framework for planning. Let’s look at them one by one.



Why are you writing?



The business world is full of busy people. They don't want to waste time reading meaningless letters, memos, faxes and e-mails. They don't want to guess why you're writing to them. That's why it's very important for you to state your purpose for writing very clearly at the beginning.



Look at the following letter:



20 September 200X

Mr Robert Roman
13/F 151 Gloucester Rd
Wan Chai
Hong Kong

Dear Mr Roman

HSBC CREDIT CARD 5411 8001 7633 8766

Thank you for your letter dated 18 September 200X.

We would advise that the card fee would be automatically billed to your card account annually despite your renewed card is remained uncollected. However, annual fee can be refunded provided that the card is uncollected within a certain period and is returned to the Card Centre for cancellation.

Please therefore pick up your renewed card at your earliest convenience.

We are pleased to be of service.

Yours sincerely

S TSE

Simon Tse
Customer Service Officer
Card Centre




Simon's letter is not as effective as it could be. It's actually quite difficult to identify his purpose. You may have had to guess.

Simon probably wanted to do two things:
--to ask Mr Roman to collect his credit card and
--to explain how the annual fee for credit cards is charged.

So, you need to identify your purpose for writing. Your readers need to know why you are writing to them. Therefore, you should state your purpose for writing very clearly at the beginning. You can do this by writing a sentence which begins with a set phrase followed by a verb. For example,



I’m writing to / I would like to…explain / request…



When you use this method to state your purpose, the verb you choose is very important. Why? Because it helps your reader understand why you are writing.

Here are some of the verbs you can use: announce, complain, confirm, explain, inform, notify, propose, request and suggest.



WHAT do you want the reader to do?



After you decide why you are writing, you need to determine your reader's response.

Your readers need to know exactly what you want them to do. Therefore, you should be very specific when determining your reader's response. Compare the following two sentences:



1. Please therefore pick up your renewed card at your earliest convenience.

2. Please pick up your new card at our Central branch by 31 May.



Sentence 2 is more specific than sentence 1.



Remember: when you decide what you want your reader to do, you need to be as specific as possible.



WHAT does the reader need to know?



So far, you've learned how to determine your purpose for writing and your reader's response. But how can you determine what your reader needs to know? The answer depends on:

--why you are writing and

--what you want the reader to do.



Look at the letter again:



20 September 200X

Mr Robert Roman
13/F 151 Gloucester Rd
Wan Chai
Hong Kong

Dear Mr Roman

HSBC CREDIT CARD 5411 8001 7633 8766

Thank you for your letter dated 18 September 200X.

We would advise that the card fee would be automatically billed to your card account annually despite your renewed card is remained uncollected. However, annual fee can be refunded provided that the card is uncollected within a certain period and is returned to the Card Centre for cancellation.

Please therefore pick up your renewed card at your earliest convenience.

We are pleased to be of service.

Yours sincerely

S TSE

Simon Tse
Customer Service Officer
Card Centre




IF Simon

--wants to explain the charges (writer's purpose)

--expects Mr Roman to understand the charges (reader's response)



THEN Mr Roman needs to know (reader's information)

--WHAT the charges are

--WHY the charges are applied

--WHO to talk to if he has questions



IF Simon

--wants to ask Mr Roman to collect his credit card (writer's purpose)

--expects Mr Roman to collect his credit card (reader's response)



THEN Mr Roman needs to know (reader's information)

--HOW to collect his credit card

--WHERE to collect his credit card

--WHEN to collect his credit card



He needs to know WHO? WHAT? WHY? WHERE? WHEN? and HOW? Some professional writers call these the five W's and the one H. You can use the "5WIH" questions when you plan the reader's information. If you do this, you will ensure that your reader has all the necessary information.



Summary



In this chapter, you've learned the three strategies used in planning. Planning is a key to success in writing. "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."



Before you start to write, you have to plan what to write. You then write according to your plan. When you plan, you need to consider the following:



--the writer's purpose

--the reader's response

--the reader's information.



In other words, you can help your reader by stating very clearly why you are writing and how you expect your reader to respond. The 5W1H questions (who, what, why, where, when and how) help to ensure you have included all the necessary information.

Then, you can provide the information your reader needs to know.

如菊如水

汇丰银行商务写作教程（3）


Welcome to Chapter 2.

In Chapter 1 you learned how to plan a business letter.

In this chapter, you're going to look at the second stage of the Writing Process:

Plan　to  Organise.

Organise

This course is based on the Writing Process, a step-by-step procedure for producing effective correspondence. Therefore, HSBC recommends that you study each chapter of this course in order, beginning with the introductory chapter "Getting Started".

Objectives

By the end of this chapter you'll be able to organise your writing.

You'll do this by

preparing a clear outline
arranging the contents to fit the outline.
Planning: A Quick Review

In Chapter 1, you learned about the planning stage of the Writing Process.

Before you can organise your writing, it's important that you have planned. Do you remember the three things you need to plan before beginning to write?

Strategies Description
Writer's purpose Why you are writing
Reader's response  How you want the reader to respond
Reader's information What you want the reader to know
   

Organising: Why Do It

A well-organised letter, memo, fax or e-mail is easy to read and understand.

If you organise the contents of your correspondence well, you are more likely to get the results you want.

So, organising is just as important as planning.

In fact, the second stage of the Writing Process is closely related to the first.

In the organising stage, you arrange what you've planned to write. In other words, you make an outline.

Organising: How To Do It

How do you organise what you have planned?

Do you need to use a different outline for every letter, memo, fax and e-mail that you write?

Not at all! For some special situations, you'll need special outlines. You'll look at those in Chapter 7. However, for most of your written correspondence, you can follow a standard outline. You'll learn that outline in this chapter.

But before you learn how to organise the contents of your correspondence, you should look at the various types of correspondence you may have to write.

下一节我们将继续讲述Organising: Types of Correspondence，不要错过哦！

如菊如水

汇丰银行商务写作教程（4）


今天我们来继续上次学习的内容：商务写作中的organization。

Organising: Types of Correspondence

How many types of correspondence do you need to write?

Basically, two:
internal correspondence (the messages you write to colleagues)
external correspondence (the messages you write to customers).

However, when you write to colleagues or customers, you can use a variety of documents.

Do you know which types of documents you can use when you write to colleagues? And which types you can send to customers?

For internal correspondence, you can use e-mail, fax and memo. For external correspondence, you can use e-mail, fax and letter.

The way you organise the content of most e-mails, faxes, letters and memos is similar. However, the format - or layout - of these documents is different.

Can you recognise the formats of the documents you write?

Below, you will see samples of four documents.



                             Memo



                                Fax



                              Letter



                              E-mail

The way you organise the contents of most documents is similar.

Try to discover the basic outline you can use in most of your correspondence.

Read through the memo below and try to identify what type of content each of the four paragraphs contains.

The HSBC Group
MEMO




To: All Staff
Date: 20 July 200X

From: General Manager
Reference

Subject: Dress Code
  




As you know, we have always enforced a strict dress code. We have now revised this code.

I would like to inform you of the changes.

The code for branch staff and office staff is different. As I'm sure you will appreciate, there are no changes for branch staff. All branch staff must wear the correct uniform at all times. On the other hand, if you work in the office, you may wear 'smart-casual' wear. However, on any day that you do meet people from outside the company, please ensure you are dressed in a business-like manner.

Please adopt the new dress code from 1 September. If you have any questions, please call Annie Wong on 2344 7765.


Answers:

Paragraph1: background

Paragraph2: writer’s purpose

Paragraph3: reader’s information

Paragraph4: reader’s response

Now read through the letter below. Identify the type of content in each of the five paragraphs in the spaces provided.



29 May 200X

34D Scenic Lane
Discovery Bay
Lantau Island

Dear Ms Hui

Classic Visa Card: Annual Fee

Thank you for your letter of 5 November. In the letter, you mentioned that you had sent a cheque to settle your Visa Card Annual Fee.

I would like to explain the situation.

We have checked our records carefully. Unfortunately, we have not yet received the cheque, although we are normally very efficient when dealing with incoming remittances.

Therefore, to help us prepare your new Visa Card, we would be grateful if you could settle the payment immediately.

We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely


Lily Tam
Customer Service Manager.


Answers:

Paragraph1: background

Paragraph2: writer’s purpose

Paragraph3: reader’s information

Paragraph4: reader’s response

Paragraph5: closing marks

As you can see, there is only a small difference in the outlines you use when writing to colleagues and customers.

When you write to customers, you include a salutation (Dear...) and a complimentary close (Yours sincerely / faithfully).

When writing to customers, you always add a polite closing remark. You can also add this remark when writing to colleagues.

By now, you should be familiar with
the types of correspondence you write
the types of documents you can use
the basic outline you can usually follow.

To learn how to organise a letter to a customer, go to the next screen.

下一次我们将讲述organising 的SOFAR Strategy，不要错过哦！

如菊如水

汇丰银行商务写作教程（5）


对商务写作中的 organising 感到头痛吗？下面就教你organising 的 SOFAR 五步法。

Organising: SOFAR Strategy

So far, so good?

Actually, if you remember that expression - SOFAR -- it'll help you remember how to organise external correspondence.

Salutation
Dear Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss...

Opening
Background + Purpose

Facts
Reader's Information

Action
Reader's Response

Remarks
Polite Closing

You can also use this outline for memos and internal e-mails. Just leave out the salutation.


SALUTATION

The Salutation begins with 'Dear'.

The Salutation should include the reader's name (eg, Dear Mr Chan, Dear Ms Lewis). You can use the reader's first name (eg, Dear John) if you know them well.

If you do not know the reader's name, use "Dear Sir" or "Dear Madam".

If you do not know if the reader is a man or a woman, use "Dear Sir or Madam".

OPENING (BACKGROUND)

The Opening includes two parts (and usually two paragraphs):
the background (referring to previous contact with the reader or introducing a situation)
the writer's purpose

These provide a logical introduction to your correspondence and help the reader focus on the subject.

The background "sets the scene" by referring to a previous contact (memo, letter, phone call etc). If you've had no previous contact with the reader, you should briefly describe the situation that you are writing about.

EXAMPLES:
Previous contact: Thank you for your call this morning.
A situation: Our annual staff party is coming soon!
An attention-grabbing statement or question: Have you heard
about...? Our Department Open Day is coming soon!

Some opening sentences are better than others.

Read through the sentences in the table below. Decide which sentence of each pair (in Column A and Column B) is better.

Column A
Column B

With reference to your correspondence of 21 August...
Thank you for your letter of 21 August.

Further to our conversation earlier today...
Thank you for your call today about...

Regarding your request for credit approval...
I have just received your request for credit approval.


If you chose the sentences in Column B, you've chosen the better ones.

Why?

Sentences that begin with prepositions (eg, with, in, further, for, following, regarding) are difficult to write correctly. They are also quite long and therefore more difficult for your reader to understand.

So, keep your writing simple by writing shorter, more direct sentences.

OPENING (WRITER'S PURPOSE)

In the second part of the opening you state the writer's purpose.

You've already learned (in Chapter 1) that there can be many purposes for writing.

Two of the most common reasons are:
to inform someone about something
to request someone to do something.

Look at the memo from the General Manager again. Which sentence states the manager's purpose for writing?

The HSBC Group
MEMO




To: All Staff
Date: 20 July 200X

From: General Manager
Reference

Subject: Dress Code
  




As you know, we have always enforced a strict dress code. We have now revised this code.

I would like to inform you of the changes.

The code for branch staff and office staff is different. As I'm sure you will appreciate, there are no changes for branch staff. All branch staff must wear the correct uniform at all times. On the other hand, if you work in the office, you may wear 'smart-casual' wear. However, on any day that you do meet people from outside the company, please ensure you are dressed in a business-like manner.

Please adopt the new dress code from 1 September. If you have any questions, please call Annie Wong on 2344 7765.


Answer: I would like to inform you of the changes.

To practise writing openings, do the exercise below.

Read the two situations below and write an appropriate opening for each of them.

Situation 1: You are replying to a customer who called this morning asking for details about opening a new account.

Situation 2: You are replying to a customer's letter that you received yesterday. He would like to know why delivery of his order is late.

Suggested answers:

Situation 1:
Thank you for calling this morning asking about how to open a new account.
I am delighted to give you the details about opening a Premier account.

Situation 2:
Thank you for your letter of 28 April about the delivery of your order.
I apologise for the delay and would like to explain what has happened.


FACTS

In the Opening, you provide your reader with background information and state your purpose.

In the next part of the letter - Facts - you provide all the information your reader needs so that they can
understand your purpose completely
respond appropriately.

Remember, though - only one main idea per paragraph! If you have a lot of information for the reader, write several paragraphs in this section.

ACTION

After reading the information you have provided in the Facts section, your reader should be able to respond.

In the next section -- Action -- you should tell your reader
how to respond (what they need to do)
when to respond (by what date/time).

For example, if you are writing to invite someone to lunch, what do you want your reader to do? Come to lunch, right? It may seem obvious to you, but you need to make it obvious to your reader, too. That will get the result you want.

Example:

Writer's Purpose:
I'd like to invite you to lunch next Thursday.

Reader's Response:
Please call by Tuesday and let me know if you can come.


What you want your reader to do often depends on why you are writing.



Writer's purpose Reader's response  
Invite  Please let me know if you will be able to join us.
Confirm If we need to make any changes to the schedule, please let me know before Friday.
Inform Please adopt the new dress code from 1 September.
Request Please send your bid to us by 15 March.
Complain Please deliver the delayed shipment within three days.
   

REMARKS

When writing to customers, you want to end politely and positively. You often can do this with just one sentence.

But be careful! Try to make your writing sound natural - as if you were speaking to the reader face-to-face.

Have you ever written sentences like these? Would you actually say them to someone in person?

If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Assuring you of our best attention at all times.
Thanking you in anticipation.



Think about a more natural way to close a letter, memo, fax or e-mail.

Examples:

I look forward to hearing from you.
I look forward to receiving your order.
I hope this information is useful.
Please call me if you need any further information.
Please call me if you have any questions.

如菊如水

汇丰银行商务写作教程（6）

这一课，我们将就前几次学到的organising 技巧做一些练习，以巩固所学。



Organising: Summary



In this chapter, you learned how to organise the contents of the documents you write.

You learned that, when writing to colleagues or customers, you usually can follow a similar outline.

SOFAR can help you remember the basic outline.

In the following Summary Exercise, you can use SOFAR to help you arrange the contents of a letter.



Organising: Summary Exercise



There are 10 sentences and 3 other parts of a letter below. Please arrange them in the correct order (1-13).



(1) Yours sincerely

(2) May I suggest that you contact Mr Ong directly.

(3) I am sorry that I was not in the office when you rang.

(4) We do have a branch in Singapore.

(5) I hope this information is helpful.

(6) Dear Mr Rushford

(7) The address is 54 Liu Fang Road, Jorong Town, Singapore.

(8) Alex Ribero

(9) I am pleased to provide the information you requested.

(10) The manager is Mr David Ong

(11) He can provide you with the financial advice you are seeking.

(12) Thank you for trying to contact me by phone yesterday.

(13) His telephone number is +65 535 1234.



Answer:



Dear Mr Rushford(6)

Thank you for trying to contact me by phone yesterday.(12) I am sorry that I was not in the office when you rang.(3)

I am pleased to provide the information you requested.(9)

We do have a branch in Singapore.(4) The address is 54 Liu Fang Road, Jorong Town, Singapore.(7) The manager is Mr David Ong(10) May I suggest that you contact Mr Ong directly.(2)

His telephone number is +65 535 1234.(13) He can provide you with the financial advice you are seeking.(11)

I hope this information is helpful. (5)

Yours sincerely(1)

Alex Ribero(8)



Well Done!



You've now completed Chapter 2!

In this chapter you continued to learn about the Writing Process by looking at the second stage - Organise.

So now you can organise your business correspondence by
preparing a clear outline
arranging the contents.


In the next chapter, you'll look at the third stage - Draft, and the beginning of the fourth stage -- Revise.

See you there!

如菊如水

汇丰银行商务写作教程（7）



Welcome to Chapter 3.



Overview



In the last two chapters, you've learned and practised the first two stages of the Writing Process: Plan and Organise.



In this chapter, you'll look at the next two stages: Draft and Revise. Together, these two stages take the most time. Writing the first draft takes less time than revising. You'll focus on writing the first draft and taking the first step in revising your draft.



Plan   to   Organise  to   Draft  to   Revise



This course is based on the Writing Process, a step-by-step procedure for producing effective correspondence. Therefore, HSBC recommends that you study each chapter of this course in order, beginning with the introductory chapter "Getting Started".



Objectives



In this chapter, you'll start working on a writing project.

As you do so, you'll be able to

l         draft a letter and

l         revise your letters to make them complete.



Planning and Organising: A Quick Review   



In the first two stages of the Writing Process, you plan and organise what you're going to write.

In planning, you decide

why you are writing (writer's purpose)
how your reader will respond (reader's response)
what your reader needs to know (reader's information).


You then organise your plan by creating an outline.



Drafting: Before You Begin  



In this chapter, you'll begin to write a letter. As you write this letter, you'll work through all five stages of the Writing Process.



LETTER TO MR PERRY: THE SITUATION  



The letter you will write is based on the following situation:



Situation:



Our customer, Mr Robert Perry, deposited a cheque through 'Quick Deposit' into his Premier account. Unfortunately, the name on the cheque (the bearer's name) was not exactly the same as the name on the account. The name on the cheque was Mr Robert Pery (instead of Perry). As a result, the money was not credited to Mr Perry's account.



Solution:



Mr Perry needs to ask the drawer to write another cheque, making sure the name is exactly the same as on the account card. Then, the money can be deposited into his account.



LETTER TO MR PERRY: THE TASK  



You are a Customer Relationship Officer. Although there is a standard form to deal with this situation, your manager has asked you to write a letter to Mr Perry, as he is a valued customer.



Mr Perry's details are as follows:



Address:  Flat 3A, Bayshore Tower, Mary's Point, Vancouver

Account no:  613 556556 888

Cheque no:  60263

Payee name:  Mr R Pery

Name on account record:  Mr R Perry



What will you do next? Think about this...



You're not going to start writing immediately, are you?



Remember: there are five stages in the Writing Process. You always need to begin with the first stage.



LETTER TO MR PERRY: PLANNING  



What should you do first? You should plan what to write!



Do you remember the 3 strategies you use when planning to write?



The 3 strategies in planning are



WHY are you writing to Mr Perry? (ie the Writer's Purpose)
WHAT do you want Mr Perry to do? (ie the Reader's Response)
WHAT does Mr Perry need to know? (ie the Reader's Information).


LETTER TO MR PERRY: PLANNING   



How did you do? Here is a suggested plan:  



Suggested Answer



Writer's Purpose

-  To explain the situation (why the cheque was not accepted)

-  To propose / suggest a solution  



Reader's Response

-  To understand why the cheque was not accepted  

-  To accept our suggestion



Reader's Information

-  The name on the cheque needs to match the name on the account card

-  The writer of the cheque needs to issue another cheque with the correct name



Remember to always keep your plan with you as your guide. This will ensure that you get the results you want from your writing.



LETTER TO MR PERRY: ORGANISING  



Now that you've completed your plan, you need to organise it.



Do you remember the five sections of a letter?



To help you recall these sections:



Salutation



Opening (Background & Purpose)



Facts (Reader's Information)



Action (Reader's Response)



Remarks



LETTER TO MR PERRY: ORGANISING  



How did you do?



Suggested Outline



Salutation:   

Dear Mr Perry



Opening:

refer to "Quick Deposit" cheque

apologise that cheque cannot be accepted

writing to explain situation and suggest solution



Facts:

explain that name was misspelled  

explain that name on cheque needs to match name on account card



Action:

ask the writer of the cheque to issue another one



Remarks:

hope information is useful



Now that you have completed your outline, you're ready to move on to the next stage in the Writing Process. 下次还有更精彩的哦！

如菊如水

汇丰银行商务写作教程（8）



今天我们来继续学习怎样起草和修改信件。

Drafting: How To Do It

LETTER TO MR PERRY: DRAFTING  

Now that you know what drafting is all about, you can draft the letter to Mr Perry.

To do this, you need to have your plan with you so you can write according to your plan. You also need a pen and paper.

Remember the two strategies when you draft:

Keep writing
Don't edit.
LETTER TO MR PERRY  

Use the information on this screen to draft a letter.

Situation:

Our customer, Mr Robert Perry, deposited a cheque through 'Quick Deposit' into his Premier account. Unfortunately, the name on the cheque (the bearer's name) was not exactly the same as the name on the account. The name on the cheque was Mr Robert Pery (not Perry). As a result, the money was not credited to Mr Perry's account.

Solution:

Mr Perry needs to ask the drawer to write another cheque, making sure the name is exactly the same as on the account card. Then, the money can be deposited into this account.

Account Details:

Name:  Mr Perry

Address:  Flat 3A, Bayshore Tower, Mary's Point, Vancouver

Account No.:  613 556556 888

Cheque No.:  60263

Payee Name:  Mr R Pery

Name on Account Record:  Mr R Perry

When you finish, write "First Draft" on the top margin of your letter. You'll work on the draft later in this chapter and also in Chapters 4-6 and 8.

Revising: Why Do It  

You've now completed your draft, and you're ready to move on to the next stage of the Writing Process: Revise.

Why do you think revising is important?

Revising your writing transforms your unfinished draft into an effective letter that gets results.

In fact, revising is so important that you often need to revise your writing several times. This is the longest stage in the Writing Process.

To see why revising is important, look at the letter below. The writer has forgotten to revise it. As you read the letter, think about the three questions in the box on the right.

Dear Ms Green

PPS



I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date.

Thank you for your kind attention.



Yours sincerely

Clever Man



Clever Man

Manager

Smart Branch
Questions



What is the letter about  



Not very clear - it could be about something (PPS?) that the writer has sent

What does the writer want Ms Green to do  



Also not clear - Ms Green could only guess.



If you were Ms Green, what would you do after reading the letter  








What is the letter about  

Not very clear - it could be about something (PPS?) that the writer has sent



What does the writer want Ms Green to do  

Also not clear - Ms Green could only guess.



If you were Ms Green, what would you do after reading the letter  

You may need to call or write to the writer and ask for an explanation.


As you can see, the writer of the letter may need to send another letter to explain. That is, the letter does not get the intended results.

Revising: How To Do It  

How can you revise your writing?

You've used strategies for all the other stages in the Writing Process. You also can use a strategy for revising.

The strategy you can use for revising is very easy to remember. It's based on the "5 Cs".

Strategy for Revising:

Complete
Cohesive
Clear
Concise
Courteous
In fact, to ensure that your letter gets results, you need to revise your letter 5 times. Each time you revise, you'll focus on one of the "5 Cs".

The strategy you can use to revise your writing is very systematic.

You start revising the whole document and then move on to smaller parts such as paragraphs and sentences.

Whole paragraph is complete.

Paragraphs are cohesive.

Sentences are concise, courteous and clear.

下一次，我们将继续讨论怎样将信件写得更完整。

如菊如水

汇丰银行商务写作教程（9）



怎样让你的商务信件写得完整、连贯，不会让客户看了之后还不是很明白你的意图？这节课我们就来学习怎样让信件完整、连贯。

Being Complete: Why Do It  

You've learned that you need to revise your writing 5 times to get results. You're going to begin revising by looking at being complete. You'll look at the other "Cs" in the next chapters.

You'll learn how to check your documents to make them complete.

What do you think a complete document contains?

When you revise your writing to make it complete, you make it easy for your reader to respond. The reader doesn't need to look for missing information.

You'll also help the reader save time; they don't need to read irrelevant information.

Therefore, a complete document contains

all that the reader needs to know
only what the reader needs to know
Being Complete: How To Do It  

How do you know that your letter is complete?

You need to ask yourself two questions:

What is the structure of the letter?
What should I include in the content of the letter?
Usually, when you want to check if your letter is complete, you begin by looking at the structure of the letter.

A business letter contains 5 parts. The proper arrangement of these 5 parts is S-O-F-A-R.

Salutation
Opening
Facts
Action
Remark
STRUCTURE  

Check the structure of the letter below. Try to identify the five parts of the letter.



Ms Fiona Green

100 Clearwater Bay Road

Sai Kung NT

22 April 200X

Dear Ms Green

PPS

I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. Thank you for your kind attention.

Yours sincerely

Clever Man  


Is the structure of the letter complete?  

One part is missing from the letter. What is it?

A (for Action) is missing. In other words, the writer did not include the reader's response. That's why the reader will not know what to do after reading the letter.

You can check to see if your letter is complete by looking at the structure - or outline - of your letter. If one or more parts is/are missing, your letter is not complete. So, it needs to be revised.

There is, however, another way to check to see if your letter is complete.

CONTENT  

You can also check the contents of the letter to see if it is complete. You can do this by comparing the contents of your letter with the plan you wrote earlier in the Writing Process.

What should be included in the contents of your letter?

the writer's purpose
the reader's response
all and only the information the reader needs.
Look at Clever Man's letter again. Try to identify the writer's purpose, the reader's response and the information the reader needs.

What is missing from Clever Man's letter?

The writer has stated his purpose: he is "advising" the reader. The writer has also given the reader some information: he notes that the "PPS details and application form were sent". But the writer does not tell the reader what to do. So, the reader's response is missing.

As a result, the reader had to phone Clever Man to find out what she should do. He told her to fill out the form and return the application form to him.

Try to revise Clever Man's letter to make it complete. On a piece of paper, write what you think the reader should do. Then decide where you should place this reader's response in the letter.

Suggested answer:

Ms Fiona Green

100 Clearwater Bay Road

Sai Kung NT

22 April 200X

Dear Ms Green

PPS

I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. Thank you for your kind attention.

Yours sincerely

Clever Man



You've checked the structure and the contents. As a result, you had to revise the letter by adding a sentence.

Now the letter should be complete. However, there's one more thing you can do to check if a letter is complete.

You can use the "5W1H method". Do you remember this method? (You learned it in Chapter 1.)

The "5W1H method" involves asking the 5W and 1H questions, ie

Who? What? Why? When? Where? (5W)

How? (1H)

You should use this method whenever you write to

request action or information
provide information.
This will help you make sure that you include all and only the information that the reader needs.

如菊如水

汇丰银行商务写作教程（10）



In this chapter, you started working on a writing project: the letter to Mr Perry. As you worked on the letter, you reviewed the first two stages in the Writing Process: Plan and Organise.

You learned the strategies for drafting, ie the third stage in the Writing Process. When you draft, just keep writing and don't edit. You can always check it later.

When you finished drafting, you started the fourth stage: Revise. Revising your documents will ensure that you get results. However, it takes time to revise because you need to do it 5 times. You need to check each of the "5 Cs".

In this chapter, you focused on revising your document to make it complete (the first "C").

To check that your letter is complete, you need to check both the structure and content. You can use your plan and the outline to help you. You can also ask the "5W1H" questions.

Summary Exercise  

There are two exercises in this section. In Exercise 1, you will review what you learned in this chapter. In Exercise 2, you will practise revising a letter for completeness.

SUMMARY EXERCISE 1  

To review how to draft and revise your documents, do the exercise below.

Each question has four possible answers. However, only one answer is correct. Click on the correct answer for each question.

1. When you draft,

A. only write, don't edit

B. write and edit

C. write and correct grammar

D. write and correct spelling

2. Make sure your document is

A. cohesive

B. clear

C. concise

D. complete

3. Check that your paragraphs are

A. complete

B. clear

C. cohesive

D. concise

4. Make sure that your sentences are

A. complete and cohesive

B. concise

C. clear, concise and courteous

D. complete, cohesive and clear



Answers: ADCC



SUMMARY EXERCISE 2: LETTER TO MR PERRY  

In this exercise you'll practise revising a letter to make it complete. To do this exercise, you'll need the letter which you drafted to Mr Perry earlier in this chapter.

To make sure your letter is complete, you need to check both the structure and the content.

STRUCTURE  

To check the structure, you need to identify the five parts of a letter (S, O, F, A, R) in your draft.

If you can't identify all five parts in your draft to Mr Perry, you need to revise the letter to make it complete.

CONTENT  

To check the content of your draft, you need to identify the basic parts of your plan. You can do this by using a highlight pen to highlight the following:

writer's purpose
reader's response
reader's information.
If you can't identify the three basic parts of your plan in your draft, you need to revise the letter.

When you finish revising Mr Perry's letter for completeness, keep both the "First Draft" and the latest revised draft. You will need them in Chapters 4-6 and 8.

Well done!  

You've now completed Chapter 3!

In this chapter you looked at stages 3 and 4 in the Writing Process:

Draft
Revise
So now you can draft and revise a letter by using three important strategies.

You can make sure your document is complete by

1) checking the structure of your draft as you identify the five parts of a letter (S-O-F-A-R)

2) checking the content of your draft as you identify the basic parts of your writing plan (writer's purpose, reader's response, reader's information)

3) checking the specific information in your draft as you answer the 5W1H questions.

In the next chapter, you'll continue learning how to revise. In Chapter 4, you learn how to revise for cohesiveness.

See you there!

yvonne.zhou

，谢谢lz把这么好的资料贡献出来

cacatwo

谢谢lz把这么好的资料贡献出来！感谢楼主分享

如菊如水

汇丰银行商务写作教程（11）



Chapter 4



Overview  



Welcome to Chapter 4.



In Chapter 3, you learned how to



l         draft a document and  

l         revise a document to make sure it is complete.



In this chapter you'll continue to learn how to revise what you write. You'll concentrate on the paragraphs of your written documents. In other words, you'll learn how to make your paragraphs cohesive.

Plan      
Organise      
Draft      
Revise      
Objectives   
By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to revise your paragraphs and make them cohesive.



Do you know what cohesive means?



Cohesive: when all the parts are related to form a whole.  

  

You'll make your paragraphs cohesive by learning two things:



1) define a cohesive paragraph and

   

2) write a cohesive paragraph using

l         a topic sentence

l         supporting sentences and

l         transitions.



Being Cohesive: What Is A Paragraph?  



Look at the following letter. In Chapter 3, you revised it to make it complete. But something is still wrong. Do you know what it is?



22 April 200X



Ms Fiona Green

100 Clearwater Bay Road

Sai Kung NT



Dear Ms Green



PPS



I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. If you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately. Thank you for your kind attention.



Yours sincerely

Clever Man




Answer:



Clever Man

Manager

Smart Branch



What's wrong with this letter?



Can you see that  

it only has one paragraph?

the paragraph is very long?

there are several unrelated ideas in the paragraph?



As a result, the paragraph in this letter is not cohesive.



You need to revise paragraphs like this.



To achieve this, you need to know the answer to the following question:



What is a cohesive paragraph?




Before you can write a cohesive paragraph, you need to know what a cohesive paragraph is.



Do you know what a cohesive paragraph is?



Choose the option that you think best describes a cohesive paragraph.



1. A cohesive paragraph is one long sentence containing many unrelated ideas or subjects.

2. A cohesive paragraph is a group of unrelated sentences containing many unrelated ideas or subjects.

3. A cohesive paragraph is a group of sentences related to one another by a single idea or subject.  

4. A cohesive paragraph is one long sentence containing one idea or subject.



Learning Point 1



A paragraph is a group of sentences related to one another by a single subject or idea.



All the sentences in a paragraph should be related to that one idea.



If they're related, then the paragraph will be cohesive.



Remember: one paragraph, one idea. Begin a new paragraph each time you introduce a new idea.



Now take a blank sheet of paper and try to revise the letter from Clever Man to Ms Green.



22 April 200X



Ms Fiona Green

100 Clearwater Bay Road

Sai Kung NT



Dear Ms Green



PPS



I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. If you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately. Thank you for your kind attention.



Yours sincerely

Clever Man



Clever Man

Manager

Smart Branch




22 April 200X



Ms Fiona Green

100 Clearwater Bay Road

Sai Kung NT



Dear Ms Green



PPS



I refer to your recent communication.



For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date.



If you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately.



Thank you for your kind attention.



Yours sincerely

Clever Man



Clever Man

Manager

Smart Branch




Now there are four paragraphs instead of one. Each of these paragraphs, though, contains just one sentence. You can have only one sentence in a paragraph. However, a paragraph usually contains more than one sentence.



The rule is: New idea, new paragraph



You can practise this rule in the following exercise.



The ten sentences below all describe a market. Look at the sentences and then answer the questions in boxes A and B.



The building between Henessey Road and Lockhart Road is the market.

It was built in 1875.

The market sells fresh food, like fish.

It also sells fruit.

It also sells vegetables.

It used to sell meat.

Meat is now sold in the supermarket.

The market is open seven days a week.

It is open from 7 am to 1 pm and then again from 4 pm to 8 pm.

It is closed during the New Year Holiday.



A:

If you were writing an essay on the subject of the market using these sentences, how many paragraphs do you think you would need?



1，2，3，4
B:

What would be the main ideas of each of these paragraphs?  

Henessey Road  

The building  

The food

Opening times  




The three paragraphs below contain the ten sentences from the above exercise.



1. The building The building between Henessey Road and Lockhart Road is the market. It was built in 1875.

2. The food The market sells fresh food, like fish. It also sells fruit. It also sells vegetables. It used to sell meat. Meat is now sold in the supermarket.

3. Opening times The market is open seven days a week. It is open from 7 am to 1 pm and then again from 4 pm to 8 pm. It is closed during the New Year Holiday.



Each of these paragraphs contains a group of sentences that are related to a single idea. Can you identify the idea in each paragraph?



Answers:



Paragraph 1 talks about the building: where it's located and when it was built. It doesn't talk about anything else.

Paragraph 2 talks about the different kinds of food that were sold and are sold now. It doesn't talk about anything else.

Paragraph 3 talks about the opening times. It doesn't talk about anything else.  



下一节我们将学习什么样的段落才算Cohesive Paragraph，不要错过哦！

如菊如水

汇丰银行商务写作教程（12）



Being Cohesive: What is a Cohesive Paragraph?  



You've just learned how to define a cohesive paragraph:

A cohesive paragraph is a group of sentences all related to one idea.



You're now going to learn how to write a cohesive paragraph.



Do you remember the three things that can help make each paragraph you write cohesive?



l         a topic sentence  

l         supporting sentences  

l         transitions  



Being Cohesive: What Is A Topic Sentence?  



In this section, you're going to discover two things:

l         what a topic sentence is and

l         what a topic sentence does.



In business writing, the topic sentence is  

l         usually the first sentence of the paragraph  

l         short, with only 7 to 10 words

l         the most general sentence in the paragraph.



Look at the following example of a topic sentence. It describes the HSBC Home Mortgage Loan.



Our Home Mortgage Loan eases the stress of buying property. Our terms are very competitive. The flexible repayment schedule enables you to budget your expenses. In addition, it gives you a clear picture of your financial commitment for the whole period.




Notice that the topic sentence

l         is the first sentence of the paragraph

l         has only ten words

l         contains general information; the other sentences contain specific information.  



Being Cohesive: What Does A Topic Sentence Do?  



Do you know what a topic sentence does?



In business writing, the topic sentence:

l         summarises the main idea of the paragraph

l         helps the reader predict what the paragraph is about.



Look again at the example of the topic sentence describing a mortgage loan. Note that the topic sentence:

l         summarises the main idea, ie that a Home Mortgage Loan eases the stress of buying property  

l         suggests the rest of the paragraph will describe how the Loan eases the stress.



Learning Point 2



The topic sentence summarises the main idea of the paragraph.



It is the most general sentence in the paragraph.



For maximum impact, the topic sentence should be short, with only 7-10 words.



In business writing, the topic sentence is usually the first sentence of the paragraph. The topic sentence helps the reader predict what the paragraph is about.



In the exercise below, each group of sentences could form a paragraph if they were re-organised.



Try to identify the topic sentence in each group, ie the sentence that should go first.

1.   

  a. Your staff need to feel that you value their work.  

  b. As a team leader, you face several challenges.  

  c. Staff also want to be treated as individuals.  

  d. In addition, you need to make them aware of the team's work.  

  e. Through your actions, you must earn their respect.  

  

B introduces the idea of a team leader's challenges, the other sentences list some of these challenges.



2.   

  a. Everyone also knows in what areas they need to improve.

  b. Finally, everyone knows what is expected of them in the future.  

  c. In addition, everyone knows how they can improve.

  d. A good appraisal system produces four results.

  e. Everyone is aware of their achievements.

  

D introduces the idea of a good appraisal system saying there are four results. The other sentenses list the four results.



3.   

  a. Inflation seems to be on the rise.

  b. Every day the newspaper brings more bad news.

  c. Older people are worried about their pension schemes.

  d. Major department stores are closing down.

  e. The unemployment figures are rising.



B introduces the statement that newspapers bring bad news. The other sentenses list some examples of this bad news.



Being Cohesive: Topic Sentence  



In this exercise, the topic sentence is missing. Write a topic sentence that

l         introduces the subject of the paragraph and

l         summarises the main idea of the paragraph.



1. Problems in service.  

a. First, phones are answered too slowly.

b. Second, customers are put on hold too frequently.

c. Third, messages are not taken down accurately.  

   

2. We can not agree on your requist.   

a. Our records show that your income has been irregular.

b. We also note that your overdraft limit has been reached.

c. Moreover, your other personal loan has not been fully repaid



Answer:

1. There is no model answer. However, you're doing well if your sentence contains an expression similar to this: "There are three major problems with our telephone answering service."



This sentence introduces the idea that is expanded upon in the other sentences.

   

2. There is no model answer. However, you're doing well if your sentence contains an expression similar to this: "Unfortunately, we are unable to grant you another loan."



This sentence introduces the idea that is expanded upon in the other sentences.